Pensieve

I go quiet sometimes when I listen to him because I fear what I would say in return.

He says he worries about the way I can switch off my emotions and he fears him being on the receiving end…  Unknowing that he already is.

He’s such a kid sometimes or maybe I’m just old.  I force myself to be quiet even when I know the expression on my face is one of derision, of mockery and I thank God that he can’t see my eyes over the phone.

I know what he’ll see.

What am I doing?  Sheltering him?  Or fooling myself?

Labels

Why do I have to be “labelled” insane, because I found something to make me happy that you can’t understand?

Still Weepy…

Unsure
Way and means or where to go

Lost
Unknowing and past caring of what there is

Restless, unhappy, edgy…
With no words to describe it!!!

And then I bawl my eyes out, listening to this!!

The Frenzy…

It flows from within,
An incessant river

Flowing with your name

And all that you are to me.

It is the truth in my world
That to which I look to for smiles,
is what brings me to tears!

I am hurting! I want to just lie down somewhere, curl up and die. I tried it! I lay down on the floor, curled up foetal like, my own arms around me, and my eyes shut tight to maybe close out all that was churning up within…

It didn’t work!

I can’t even scream. I’m mute and yet I weep… I can feel the tears well up and spill over the edges, flowing from the sides so I find my face drenched.

I can’t complain. In the morning, when I wake, I will have my customary smile on my face. I’ll be as loud mouthed and as obnoxious as I always am, and I will feel nothing.

Strange how I pay so much to feel that nothingness. It makes me wonder what in God’s name I do. I am not anybody any more somehow. I show that which is required of me, and do that which is expected of me and no one seeks to look beyond that. Why should they when I don’t?

And it seems to be going fine…

Except there are then nights like this… Silence and darkness and I am alone. With and within myself there is nothingness. And then within this darkness come crawling the shadows of my own doubts and failures and I have nothing to hide behind. They come and they tear at me with words that I scream at myself, with anger and hatred and disappointment in the eyes of those who I believe matter to me… They rip me apart with unspoken disappointments and the assurance of seeing me fall again… And I hurt.

I seek refuge in further darkness… crawling against a room in my wall and just wait for them to finish but they are vultures… In a feeding frenzy, tearing at me till I go numb… Where I can no longer even feel myself…