Archive for June, 2008



Took a day off today for the simple reason that I just did not want to go to work.  That’s not good considering I signed a formal contract just 3 days ago.  Ugh!  As to why I did not want to go to work, that is a long, protracted issue that requires background and details that I don not feel inclined to put in front of the world just yet.  Unfortunately, things being as they are, I need a stint in the confessional soon enough or I’m going to blow.  Wonder if I should just revert to my good old leather bound journal or be ‘with it’ and put up a password protected post here or simply blog elsewhere…  The only issue is that I have exhibitionist tendencies that I swear I did not know I had which means that what is the point of putting it up online if nobody’s going to read it or comment on it or just wonder at the brilliance that is my life…..

Sheeeeheeeeesshhh!! I am so weird!


Something Old, Something New

And no, I am not talking weddings!

Something old being the fact that with a month and a half left to complete my research paper, I have finally bothered to take the time to come to university.  Ostenibly, this has been done to sit myself down in front of a computer, access the digital library and try to establish some logical premise to work on that would survive the poking and prodding it will be subjected to at the Research Conference in August.  Realistically, my success so far can be ascertained by the fact that this post is being written down. 

Something new refers to the fact that I have been offered a permanent faculty position at university.  I am feeling insane enough to take it on for some unknown reason.  Correction: known reasons!  The most important one being that being a permanent faculty member will add some much needed weight to any PhD applications that I intend to make during the year.  Also, the probability of actually getting financial aid for my studies would improve.  However, what I will actually do still remains to be seen.

As it is, for the moment, I need to get something done on this stupid paper.  My research advisor for all her competence adds to my issues.  She is so laid back and casual that any sense of purpose or drive that I feel before going to see her for our fortnightly meetings, drops down past Empty and I find myself dragging my feet for the rest of the week.  Additionally, she is so overcommitted this term, with regular courses and studies to oversee that every time we sit to discuss what actually to do, she goes spinning on another tangent and sends me off along another one.  


Summarily Summer

Sheeesh!! Finally a relatively happy post.

After an age, it seems I have time on my hands! By the grace of God, I have dragged myself to through the end of the semester at both universities and survived…. if you don’t count the sunburn, rash, tan and ear infection that I seem to have caught on the way.

Things are looking up or at least I’m trying to look at them that way. Finding a rainbow in bright, glaring sunlight is hard but hey, give credit for at least trying.

In other news, over-smart people like myself tend to make such brilliant boo-boos that you have to wonder how they got the label anyway…  For example, me being me, for safe keeping have put my passport in such a secure hiding place that despite turning the ENTIRE and I do mean entire house and its contents on their heads, I have been unable to find it.  For the last 2 weeks have been running around trying to get an FIR registered.  Once that was done and I finally managed to cross boundaries to enter the hallowed grounds of the office of Machine Readable Passports, imagine my shock at finding out that the I.D. card available online for verification by the wonderful people at NADRA is one that I got cancelled nearly 3 years ago.

After persuading the gentleman at the passport office to accept my form, I took myself off to the NADRA regional office where I was overcome by the utter brilliance of Pakistan’s bureaucratic machinery.  Obviously, it was kind of insane of me to expect that they would accept that it was their error.  Rather than listening to me repeatedly telling them that I got a new computerized NIC issued in 2005 after getting the previous one cancelled, all the person concerned would say is that I need to get my CNIC reprocessed.  After the 3rd time, the record went off, I lost my marbles, waved my CNIC under his nose and asked him

“How in God’s name his esteemed father had issued this NIC without cancelling the first????” *cringing*  (The statement in Urdu has quite a different impact!!!)

Anyhow, for the moment, have just sufficed at posting my complaint at NADRA’s online portal.  After all, surely it is NADRA’s responsibility to ensure that once a person has gone through the entire torturous process of updating their details or getting a new CNIC issued, that the same is updated on their database.

What say you?  Anybody know anybody at NADRA who might help me sort this out?

On a personal front, I remember writing a post once about the importance of words where I quoted from a Nora Roberts Book:

“…I once loved a maid and would have offered her everything I had. But I forgot to offer her my heart first and last. Forgot to give her the words.”

“Words are important to everyone. When they are not said, they leave holes.”

Deep, dark holes where doubts and failures breed….

He turned over an elegant hand, and mounded in it was the blinding brilliance of diamonds and sapphires, the aching gleam of creamy pearls.

“Would you take them as they’re offered from the man who knows he holds your heart, or would you rather the words?”

She said the first thing that came into her head, because it seemed the only thing.

“What are the words?”

And he sighed, long and deep, his proud shoulders slumping, his eyes going soft and sad.

“So it’s true then, they matter so much. And these… Are nothing but pride.”

– Jewels of the Sun – Nora Roberts –

What do you do, when someone gives you the words you need to heal hurts of a lifetime; words that make you smile; spoken such that they leave you with a tear in your eye and you find your hand reaching out to touch…


For no fault of theirs, you find your smile fading, your eyes empty and your hand dropping midway…

What do you do when you are unwilling/unable to give the words back to them?



Strange how life comes down to choices. The ones you make of your own ‘free’ will and those that are forced upon you but then, is free will really free will? Is it also not dictated by the circumstances that are consequences of paradoxically your own choices that in another never ending loop would have been made because things were what they were as you saw them?

It has been an age since I’ve blogged. I no longer feel the compulsion to because the truth of my confessions appearing in words before my own eyes will terrify me and I am the epitome of a yellow-bellied, lily livered scaredy cat… a coward. It’s not that I don’t know or acknowledge the truths about myself.. It’s just that I’d rather not have a mirror screaming them out at me thank you very much!!

June 2008