Archive for the 'Tears of the Moon' Category


The Restlessness of Me…

I am out looking for my words again because I need them.  I am reminded once again of the truth that in essence, what you truly need, you will find in yourself.

I read somewhere that “loneliness is a hard thing to handle. I feel it, sometimes. When I do, I want it to end. Sometimes, when you’re near someone, when you touch them on some level that is deeper than the uselessly structured formality of casual civilized interaction, there’s a sense of satisfaction in it. Or at least there is for me.”  But how long does that satisfaction last?  The satisfaction is so fleeting now, followed by regret, more questions and a painful, screaming “aloneness”. For after all, does that interaction even base itself on anything that is even remotely YOU in the truest sense or is it as everything else, just a second place substitute, accepted because at least it is something!
Here’s an honest confession.  I am a beautiful woman.  My skin glows, my eyes sparkle and my smile will make you feel like a king.  My hair can feature in an ad for a shampoo.  I could wear a potato sack to a wedding and still get more compliments than I can handle.  Here’s another confession!  I hate the way I look.  I am reduced to the colour of my skin and the arrangement of my features.  I hate the way I look because it has reduced me to nothing beyond it.  I dazzle people and I have the acting skills to keep them that way; dazed and confused, unable to look away from me, and yet unable to see me as I am…  I am exactly who they want to see.

But then, I don’t want them to see me.  Because the me that I am, is terrifying.  Insecure, angry, frustrated and oh so discontent!  I have a battle going on inside myself.  And I am plagued by the eternal question of what I was sent to this world for.  I just know that it wasn’t ‘this’!  And this is everything in my life that I have done so far and am doing every day.

I sometimes feel that perhaps I want too much.  The people I connect to emotionally find me exhausting because then I am all there.  And I admit, I demand time from them, just for me.  But as in all relationships, I often end up feeling like I have been slapped in the face when I ask for something.

I’m tired, subjugated by my own wants, which in turn are superceded by people who are bound by their own limitations! Why do their limitations and complexes and concerns become hurdles to the fulfillment of what I need?  Because I deem their requirements more important than my own?  No, I’m not that selfless.  My mind says Fuck off, and it switches off that emotional switch that makes me go to them.  And even then, I am the one who hurts.

This is not what Allah made me for.  I know it.  And I know what I need to do.  Except that for someone who claims to be brave, I am a pitiful coward.  I know what I need to do, will break most, if not all the bonds that tie me to people because then I will no longer be the one they want.  But a part of me is looking forward to saying ENOUGH!  A part of me is waiting for me…

(….To be continued)



Why do I let you have the power to reduce me to tears?


Still Waters…

Do you know why I seek you out…

Day after day…


So many countless times, during the day?

You see my love,

It is only in your still waters

that I can truly, clearly see myself…

(Inspired from “No one can see their reflection in running water. It is only in still water that we can see” – A Taoist Proverb)




The Fallacy of Women… I

It never fails to surprise me!

Men’s arrogant presumption that women fall for their lines or God forbid, for them…

We don’t go blind or deaf, you delusional fools that we can’t see how you play us. The promises, the ploys, the words, I’ve heard them all and I know how they are used to get what you want without the added baggage.  Conventional rules don’t apply to me, but you forget that I’m not conventional either.

When I say I love you, it does not mean that my mind does not process what you say and what you mean when you use those same words.  I don’t fall for the words.  I fall for what they represent, because no matter how strong I am, somewhere in my gene code is a woman who wants that security of having a man look after me, to not have to be so strong all the time… but that’s another story, for another day.

Let’s just say I know what you’re after.  Dress it up as pretty as you want darling, it doesn’t change the facts of what you want…  And the game is usually only as good as the chase!  Not that you don’t enjoy the capture and capitulation…  The thrill of that first warm spurt of blood down a predator’s throat when he bites down on a gazelle’s neck… Bliss!

But be warned dear, that behind my half closed eyes, my mind is awake and it breathes and watches and waits…  It knows who I am and also knows what it needs to do when I need to snap out of it.  Women are purposefully, knowingly fools!  And men, bless their little ….. well, just bless, think they have tamed her.

Remember love, If I am being used for your gratification, it is because I allow it.  It has nothing to do with you.  Besides, gratification is a two-way process.

Body chemistry and reaction!  It’s how we’re programmed to respond.  The affection, the touch, the kiss… I could yearn for the physicality of that expression and gratification as much as you…  And since, conventional rules don’t apply, let’s play the game…  So you use me and I use you…  And what happens after…

I will say ENOUGH!  And I will walk away from you and all you represent…

For no reason, except that you have served your purpose and I am no longer willing to play the fool…



Peace… Ya Allah! Peace!


One Last Time…

So I will meet him tomorrow..

For what my heart hopes is the last time…

I want this to end!  I am too exhausted from the endless justifications, and apologies and waiting for the what ifs to go away.  The love that meant so much is gone, exhausted.. drained from giving too much for the last 5 years without hope…

I don’t want a relationship where I am expected to be the strong one, and take care of things all the time… Once in a while, I yearn to be held in my sorrow with hands soothing my brow…

I want things to be taken care of where I don’t have to decide all the time…

I am sick of waiting for him to grow up!

I cannot give anymore and so I became cruel and cold and told him so…

Now he wants to meet me to give the words to his funeral prayer…

Is he going to hurt himself or me?  I don’t know…

And the fact, that I don’t care worries me…

Will he die?  I don’t know.. I don’t want him to… but if he does, how much am I to blame?

Will I die? Again, I don’t know… Will his irrefutable proof of love for me be in the form of a bullet to my head and then his own…?

I still want it to just end…  This is not giving me life as it is…  And if the end calls for this, then so be it!


Finding You…

Life seems to have been one quest or the other.  Running between two mountains, my feet torn; my breath short and burning me inside.  I spend an eternity running up one looking for you..

You?  Love, friendship?  Or just the feeling of knowing there is someone there who will be my world with a smile.

And then stumbling down the jagged surface with my hands raw and bleeding and tears in my heart, after finding myself pelted by the stones of my own expectations and the reality of other people, at least as imperfect as me.

And I flinch from the sight and turn to look at the other end.  You?  Maybe?

Untenable majesty, silent, strong and yet no easier to scale and so I stumble again, over paths strewn with thorns; or washed away by torrents of fast flowing water, leaning now and again against one surface or the other…  I don’t think I ever realized how on this tougher, less traveled path, I found unexpected places to rest, to breathe; the gentlest of winds to soothe my fevered brow or gentle knolls of grass to cook my feet on.

But I’d find myself being called again to the other mountain and I’d run searching for arms to hold me at the end of weary travels…  Except that I’d be more exhausted, drained further each time to get up and take another step and I’d more fall than walk back to the other mountain…

Looking for solace of the soul, an unworldly phenomenon in the frailty and fickleness of human nature and fallacy and then repenting and falling back to search for comfort in the one being who owns it all…

I’m realizing today that even for worldly comfort, I need to scale just that one mountain…  The other will come to me…

And when I find Him, I will find You…


For your sake, H


Just once..

And stay.. Please.

I don’t need words anymore, nor the promise of all the things that could be at rainbows end

Just you, and a shared smile in the rain, while the roof leaks and the house floods and a hot cup of tea..

I have never needed you to be any more or any less than who you are…

The messed up H more than the in control one..

I’ve spent so long without you…

What’s another month or two or three… Just pray my breath be with me

Prayers and Love

Always H… ALWAYS.

So come back and stay


Your Choice and My Burden

When you know that a way is going nowhere…

And you make the choice to walk away…

Leaving behind broken promises, harsh words and little lost boys…

Will you be held accountable if the boy stays lost?




When so much remains undone, what is required is a singleness of purpose and determination to start getting it done…

Except that my heart is so not into it…

Which leads me to believe that staying undone is perhaps better than being half done, half way, halfheartedly…

August 2020