Archive for October, 2010


The Lady of Shallot

Tennyson’s poem and I?  I never thought this would come to be in the path of my own choosing, in my own life.

I am tired.  I am exhausted by the emotional wringer that I am putting myself through.  Everything has become a chore.  He has become a chore, a burden primarily because I am not who he fell in love with 4 years ago.  How can I be?  My life has run aground and I have come up against the wall of every day responsibility and financial burden.  I lust after the comforts I am used to and seeing him not able to provide those is shutting me down.  My heart squeezes when I think of him and leaves me unable to scream what my mind has to say and I am dying…

I am stuck in a damned if I do and damned if I don’t kind of situation.  He means a lot to me, but…  why do I have to give up everything I have for a new kind of struggle if I choose to be with him?  And if I am asking that, doesn’t that mean that I am not in love with him?

I was fine in my walled up kingdom of me and had no need of anything beyond those walls because I have seen the strife and chaos that is therein.  Fool that I was, I came out of those walls lulled by false promises of no expectations and no pressure.  

I need to rebuild those walls for the sake of my own sanity. 

I cannot drift down to Camelot with blood freezing in my veins…  I don’t want to forsake my own shadow and bring the curse upon me…


WOAH Moment!

It’s a little bit shocking to find myself thinking in Urdu, when I was so used to doing so in English!!  You can just see my private school snobbery coming through here…

Higher Education is so ruining my mojo!

October 2010