Archive for the 'Ponderings' Category


In Return for a Soul…

From Sinfest:




You know you have a problem…

… when you have three days to write 2 research and feel no inclination whatsoever to do so…

This is what I get for enrolling in a PhD program..



I had heard that there is no pain perhaps more than that of unrequited love…

But what then of knowing that love is requited with all due passion and still is doomed to end in separation?



Am miserable.  Had my I-pod nano stolen from my desk at work today.  One of those untrackable crimes I’m afraid, where it’s near impossible to both track the goods or the perpetrator.

It was a birthday gift from my bro and what is more upsetting is that it had pics…  old and new, family and friends and yes, a few that perhaps I kept as a reminder of a few skeletons in the closet, pics that I had no business putting in something that I was carrying around in a place of work or otherwise, anywhere outside my room.  Nonetheless, it’s been done and lost.  And I am getting a tension headache that’s grabbed the back of my skull and traveling all the way to my temples in these measured pulses of numbing agony…

He’s so going to kill me.  I have half a mind not to tell him, who told me repeatedly never to put pics on an i-pod but I in all my superiority then was arrogant and condescending about his faith in my taking care of my things and my privacy…  This is called falling right into shit!!

My mind is now filled with panic inducing, far reaching implications of the pics that rival armageddon.

Allah, please protect me and give my mind peace.  Everything is yours and to you it will return and you know all…  Keep me safe from the evils of Satan, of this world and the people in it, my own intentions and my own deeds… Ameen!



I cried today, long and hard… Sobbing till I was aching and hollow on the inside.

I’ve prided myself always on being a strong individual.  And part of my strength has always come from my faith in Him.  Not just in Him knowing best, but also that I have no need for any but Him because He grants me all I ever need and beyond, whether I ask for it or not.  At the risk of repeating myself, in spite of offering prayers 4 out of 5 times a day, I feel that faith has been lost somewhat.

That guilt plus pressure for studies plus issues at home shook me enough to break down in front of my mama.

My mama is one of the strongest people I know.  Her childhood stories sound like something out of a historical novel, yet all true.  The 4th daughter of the 2nd wife of a landlord who migrated from Iran, and settled in a village in Punjab, who lost her mother at the age of 2, gained a step mother and lost a father at the age of 12.  She grew up with step brothers and sisters straight out of a fairy tale with cruelty and property wars.   And the years in between had her and the other sisters who were unmarried, being shuttled from one married sister’s house to another’s wherever a baby sitter, a washing/cleaning/cooking person was required.

Fell silently in love with her sister’s brother in law at the age of 16 and touchwood is very much in love with him still after 32 years of marriage. 🙂

And she survived it all!  And is surviving it still!  Seen so much; the death of parents, and the death of a child; her children’s successes and their failures, personal and professional; lived in luxury in a house of her own and living now in a rented portion and through it all, thankful to Him and all He has given her.

As I cried today, I felt hopeless and despair and all my mother had was hope.  She said that His forgiveness, His mercy is far far beyond the sixty-seventy years of sins that we have to our name.  Where He has given so much before without asking, how can you allow yourself to even think that He won’t grant you something when you ask for it?

She reminded me of how when I was maybe 3 or 4 years old, I saw my papa offering prayers.  Papa got up leaving the prayer carpet where it was.  When he came back, I was there on the carpet, with my back towards the ka’aba, in my little dress, asking the Almighty on a one to one basis for a brother, a car and a house.  My mama said that every prayer that little girl offered was accepted because it was offered with timeless, innocent faith in Him, offered with unconditional love and ownership of Him being the one who can grant her everything.

Who knows, maybe this bout of tears, will allow me to find that girl within myself again…



Everytime!!  For all my protestations to the contrary and resolutions to refrain, every time I have to work on a research paper, I end up thinking about writing it the week it is due and then spend the night before  it’s to be submitted swearing,  sweating and typing my way through it punctuated now and then with screams of absolute agony…


A Teeming Mind

… And yet, no possibilities.  Today as in so many days, I don’t see much to get me out of this eternal rut that I’m stuck in.  I had read and heard about the realities of life getting one down but never really experienced the helplessness that one endures in their wake…  

Money is oh, ever so important.  I look back at the feeling of having lived in a house owned by my parents with the kind of yearning that can make me double with pain.  It’s been around ten years that have seen us shift every few years into one rented house from another.  I dream of the day when I’ll have that peace of knowing that this floor beneath my feet and the roof above my head belongs to no one else.  But damn it, I don’t have the money for that luxury.  It’s shocking how rent money eats into your savings, with no return, leaving you empty and hollow…

You know, my parents are getting old.  In a couple of years, my papa will retire.  Mama has always been unwell.  Nothing critical but progressively strong medicine to treat migraine over the years has led to hypertension, blood pressure, osteoporosis…  She jokes about how her insides are probably degenerating but it sends a cold chill through me that makes me jerk back physically.  I’m a real mummy daddy bacha who even today at the grand old age of 30, sleeps best in the afternoon curled up next to papa, or whose day isn’t complete until every last, little detail of the day’s happenings is not repeated as it occured.  On the other end, I know my parents rely and trust on me far more than they do on my brother.  Where I am proud to be worthy of that trust, the pressure that I’ll disappoint them is also greater.  Right now, there is something alive and kicking inside of me that makes me just want to do something so I can make that little house where my parents can live…  But damn it, I so don’t have the money.

And then there’s my bro.  Bless him, he’s fine as brothers go but he is an intellectual of today.  He looks and treats all with the same kind of pragmatic, unemotional practicality that can really pinch at times.  Example being, if papa asks him for a loan, he’ll say something like he won’t be giving the household expenses for the next 3 months so that the loan can be recovered.  What is this, a bank?  They’re your parents.  They are the ones who sold their house so you could go to America to study.  They are the ones who spent hundreds of thousands of rupees on your wedding because that is what you wanted.  And this is the attitude you show them.  It hurt to hear that papa asked bro to bring medicine and he didn’t bring it because he was too tired to take the detour to the market on his way back from work and it was hot by the way.  It was the first time my father actually said something to the effect that this is where the difference comes between a parent and a child.  My parents never let lack of money, time or resources be a reason to refuse us anything.  We had the discipline that allowed us to study and study well, get jobs, have a reasonably well mannered countenance but we also knew, rather know that there is nothing that our parents would not do for us.

And then there is him.  Ugh!  The bane of my existance, or my entire world, I so don’t know.  Rationally, my mind knows the limits and possibilities and is prepared for them, somewhat but damn my heart drives me crazy at times.  He talks about all these things, futures, possibilities but there are so many what ifs…  His age, his dependency on his family, his youth and immaturity (not necessarily the same thing) and his damn emotional nature…  His decision making is so based on what his heart tells him to do that his brain has little or no role to play in it whatsoever… You cannot live like that in today’s world..  Besides, to my fault, let’s just say the heart’s decisions aren’t all that for me…  I end up thinking of things like so his heart likes me today but what happens tomorrow when his heart falls for someone else…

I want another job.  I love teaching but I want something different now.  Something more regular and less tiring.  The mileage I cover in a week, driving between the universities I teach at is physically and mentally exhausting.  It’s made me short tempered and irritable where I’ve developed a tick in the side of my eye when my fuse blows.  I want a time out but damn it, I want peace of mind and I want things settled for my parents.  And for that I need money and dayam, I so don’t have it!!


For Swat

Misery, a self inflicted wound;

Festers, bleeds, raw and untreated

Leaving scars and nightmares 

Where there should be the hope of paradise



All he and I are come down to stolen moments,

too few and far between,

in the shadows that the day leaves behind….


Taking Sides

What do you say when you see someone’s relationships fall apart? Not the relationships we form with our own will, but the ones we are born to…

Someone who matters to you is suddenly telling you how his home is no longer that and how the people who live there and are a part of him are no longer his own…  Consciously walking out of the door, knowing it’s going to close behind him…

How do you not feel guilty?  

The final strike may not have been yours but you know, you were where the decision to stand on two different sides started…

And that said, how does one do anything but give a promise to stand by them and support them in whatever they do….?

August 2020