Archive for June 10th, 2009

10
Jun
09

Cleansing

I cried today, long and hard… Sobbing till I was aching and hollow on the inside.

I’ve prided myself always on being a strong individual.  And part of my strength has always come from my faith in Him.  Not just in Him knowing best, but also that I have no need for any but Him because He grants me all I ever need and beyond, whether I ask for it or not.  At the risk of repeating myself, in spite of offering prayers 4 out of 5 times a day, I feel that faith has been lost somewhat.

That guilt plus pressure for studies plus issues at home shook me enough to break down in front of my mama.

My mama is one of the strongest people I know.  Her childhood stories sound like something out of a historical novel, yet all true.  The 4th daughter of the 2nd wife of a landlord who migrated from Iran, and settled in a village in Punjab, who lost her mother at the age of 2, gained a step mother and lost a father at the age of 12.  She grew up with step brothers and sisters straight out of a fairy tale with cruelty and property wars.   And the years in between had her and the other sisters who were unmarried, being shuttled from one married sister’s house to another’s wherever a baby sitter, a washing/cleaning/cooking person was required.

Fell silently in love with her sister’s brother in law at the age of 16 and touchwood is very much in love with him still after 32 years of marriage. 🙂

And she survived it all!  And is surviving it still!  Seen so much; the death of parents, and the death of a child; her children’s successes and their failures, personal and professional; lived in luxury in a house of her own and living now in a rented portion and through it all, thankful to Him and all He has given her.

As I cried today, I felt hopeless and despair and all my mother had was hope.  She said that His forgiveness, His mercy is far far beyond the sixty-seventy years of sins that we have to our name.  Where He has given so much before without asking, how can you allow yourself to even think that He won’t grant you something when you ask for it?

She reminded me of how when I was maybe 3 or 4 years old, I saw my papa offering prayers.  Papa got up leaving the prayer carpet where it was.  When he came back, I was there on the carpet, with my back towards the ka’aba, in my little dress, asking the Almighty on a one to one basis for a brother, a car and a house.  My mama said that every prayer that little girl offered was accepted because it was offered with timeless, innocent faith in Him, offered with unconditional love and ownership of Him being the one who can grant her everything.

Who knows, maybe this bout of tears, will allow me to find that girl within myself again…




June 2009
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