10
Feb
08

The Clutter in My Head

Sunday has already started and I in another strange phase of indecision have deleted the other blog AGAIN and started off writing on this one. How long this lasts, I am not quite sure?

Why I am starting to write on a new page, a new site, without carrying forward any of old posts is because those posts were for other people. Yes, to an extent they held shades of what I really wanted to say but my habitual instinct to cloak things with diplomacy so they can be fit for consumption took over. Which meant that the truth remained unsaid.

Writing for me is catharsis. It is a way of looking back at what was done, and what was said during the day and auditing each individual file: happenings, non-happenings, friends, family, self, work, personal, what ifs and wishes before closing it. Each file remains pending, a work in progress till I look it over and reach a conclusion. I can’t sleep till each of those files is closed. It is why I’ve always had trouble sleeping.

I will sit in bed, or pace pondering one thing or the other. It’s a pain! My eyes burn, I get migraines with a vengeance and still I lie awake. My body reverts to a dependable auto-pilot thank God that allows me to convincingly carry out the charade of routine life till I’ll drop dead from exhaustion.

I’ve slept a grand total of four hours in the last three nights. My mind is spinning and cluttered up with too many files that I’ve allowed to gather dust since the year started.  It’s too much right now.  I’m reluctant to look at them because I know what I need to do to deal with them.  The first thing is to metaphorically sweep them up and toss them out.  I’m not entirely indecisive in nature.  I know what I have to do.  I just get too tangled up in the what ifs and how can Is that have everything to do with other people and nothing to do with me and end up delaying the inevitable.

A few days ago, during a conversation with my mirror, I told myself that I can go on living this life as I am, listless, plastic, wholly suited to how others wish me to be for them and stop complaining that I don’t have a life…

Or

I can have the selfish courage to try and change how my life is and wrest some control over where it goes.

I need a really big broom and an even bigger dust pan!

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2 Responses to “The Clutter in My Head”


  1. Tuesday, February 12, 2008 at 8:47

    Nobody that I “know” knows about my blog. Kind of like you said – if we know they are the audience we can’t express ourselves the way we would like to, the way we need to. Glad I found you again!

  2. 2 Jaded
    Saturday, February 16, 2008 at 20:02

    @ Anna: Feels good to be found and thank you so much for making the effort! 🙂


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