Fool That I Am!

“When a woman is able and willing to allow herself to become the fool, there is no force in the world that can prevent her from doing so.”

So, say I after taking a very long hard look at myself today.

What is it about getting involved with a man that has me becoming so needy? Why is my happiness suddenly dependent on the will and whims of another? I do fine without a significant other in my life. I am happy. And the minute a man drops into my radar who appeals, I lose it. Why hasn’t he called? He said he would. Oh my god! Did I scare him out? Was I too weird? Have I gone crazy? Does he think I’ve gone crazy?

Why do I do this to myself? You would have thought that a year of trying to adjust being married to a jealous, overbearing, insecure son of a bitch who for all his education and background believed in using a sharp slap to tell me when I stepped out of line into the man’s side of the world would have taught me a good, hard lesson. Nothing I did was enough. I wasn’t enough. But then, I wasn’t what he wanted anyway. He wanted a meek, subservient little doll who would walk two paces behind him with no mind of her own.

He knew I wasn’t that. And in that one year that I lived in hell, he used words and gestures to chip away at all that I was, to leave me hollow, empty and a stranger to myself by the time ‘he’ divorced me. I have flashbacks from before I was married about the kind of person I was, the dreams I had and cry out loud in frustration because I can no longer relate to them.

And now, I am too scared to actually dream the kind of dreams I know I actually wish for. Why? Because I’m terrified of actually reaching for them.


3 Responses to “Fool That I Am!”

  1. 1 PsycheD
    Monday, February 11, 2008 at 17:08

    and i get told that i dont give guys a chance….yeah chance to hurt me again? just like the previuos one who left me the way i have become – bitter and bitchy.

    but then again, we are women. we hardly learn from mistakes, especially when it comes to men. hence every time an appealing man drops into our radar, we and our conscience gets thrown out of orbit.

    jab banda nai hai – toh museebat, jab hai, tab bhi museebat! i wonder if guys feel the same

  2. Tuesday, February 12, 2008 at 8:53

    Oh Jaded – I am sorry about your abusive marriage. As for wishing for dreams – what a profound thought – truly. I’m with you on that – am I ever.

  3. Saturday, February 16, 2008 at 19:58

    @ Psyched: Never ending loop, is it not?

    @ Anna: It’s alright! 🙂 At least I still have it in me to talk about dreaming.. One day you and I, we’ll get those too!

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