The End of the String and Me!

I used to believe that if nothing else, my words shall remain mine always…  How?  They will always be true to who I am.  Not the I, that you want to see and not the me you want me to be but just ME.  It is why writing has always given me such joy.

My words are tainted.  I knew that.  They are no longer mine because they are no longer my truths.  I knew that too.  They too are coloured by my understanding of what I know people would want to read.  And I don’t really care.  It is just random… the word ‘Bullshit’ comes to mind rather strongly.

Knowing who I am, and what I do and still continuing to deceive myself about the way I cheat myself is routine.

I don’t expect people to even see past what I show them.  So, realizing that not everyone is blind and there are people who actually see enough to show you a stark truth about yourself is bloody daunting!!  And that little bit infuriating too!  The normal rules of the game are no applicable.. It is no longer your sandbox.  New ground!  And there is no comfort zone…  Except that…

I know I can take what is said at actual face value.  Consequently, I have no choice but to respect and face the challenge to be true to myself.  Eventually!  How many people actually encourage you to do that?  I may not do that right now but maybe one day I will.  On the other hand, how many people would actually want to keep coming face to face with someone who keeps showing them a mirror they’d rather bury along with Pandora’s box?

The cauldron inside my head is bubbling a little faster today.  It always does when I try and make the effort of taking myself in hand and sorting my head out.  Ashamedly though, I always back away from that first little step because I am scared of getting tangled up in the unravelling that will follow…  I was told sometime ago that I’m brave because I’m not scared of the dark.  Purposely pulling at the string that could take apart the cocoon that keeps you safe and secure takes a lot more courage than just going into a dark room.

There is no place I feel safer than this dark chrysalis of my own making.  I remember an English lesson from long ago where my teacher likened a caterpillar’s cocoon to a tomb where it sleeps without a care… untouched till it can turn into a butterfly.  She said nothing can force the caterpillar out till it is time and it is ready to emerge.  But she also said there were times when within the shell, it turned to dust with all the beauty and colour that could be, reduced to nothingness.

What will I be?

6 Responses to “The End of the String and Me!”

  1. Saturday, January 26, 2008 at 21:33

    with words one can play around, coax, cajole, hide, deflect, insult, probe, admit, accuse, confess – and each usage is a little revealing

  2. Sunday, January 27, 2008 at 6:12

    Trying to sort out one’s mind is a brave thing to do – I often lack the courage – wanting to stay in my cocoon. However, next time I am want to stay in my cocoon – I will remember what your teacher said about turning to dust. Motivational – the thought of that dust!

  3. 3 deciding
    Sunday, January 27, 2008 at 14:16

    Glad to see you are willing to take the first step.

  4. Sunday, January 27, 2008 at 22:30

    Sarah, you will be what you want to be.
    A flawless imperfection. A perfect blend. A wonderful person, who will at the end of the day, be honest to herself, her realm, her God. Insh’Allah.

  5. 5 PsycheD
    Monday, January 28, 2008 at 17:29

    sighhh…….weirdly enuff….i also had cocoon swimming in my head these last two days…..luv the last para…..i also wonder now….what will i be?

  6. Monday, January 28, 2008 at 18:54

    i don’t know why, but the following lines from the doors’ universal mind popped into my head:

    I was doing time in the universal mind
    I was feeling fine
    I was turning keys
    I was setting people free
    I was doing all right
    Then you came along
    With a suitcase and a song,
    Turned my head around
    Now I’m so alone
    Just looking for a home
    In every place I see

    (perhaps that’s cos i couldn’t think of anything profound enough to say in response to your profound post.)

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January 2008

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