Archive for January 17th, 2008

17
Jan
08

What Price…?

The untimely death of my computer last week thanks to the incessant blessing showered upon us by the Islamabad Electric Supply Company left me literally twiddling my thumbs. My i-pod ran out of power and as I still have not bothered to get an adaptor it was bye bye music. In addition, have been run off my feet thanks to 15 gloriously loud individuals crash landing at our place over the last weekend.

What else? Am also suffering acute exam phobia. Not my own exams you understand… Over the past week, have had to suffer the agony of invigilating during 4 sets of exams at the end of the term and then had the agony quadrupled when checking the papers. I still have two stacks of answer sheets and reports glaring at me malevolantly from the corner.

The weather doesn’t help. Seeing Islamabad at it’s virtual best with the grass greener and lusher on the hills in the horizon thanks to the rain and then being covered in moments in a sheet of pure white reminded me of some of the reasons I love this city. It’s just that this weather doesn’t really motivate one to buckle down and study or do any kind of work. As a friend put it,

“it’s perfect ‘mush weather’ which is wasted on single people like you and me.”

And as Psyched darling put it so eloquently during one of our late night yak sessions,

“you know a girl is single when she can’t be bothered to keep her cell phone close by.”

Or something to that effect… I love these conversations! 😀

Although, having been through the ‘single to double to single status’, not being bogged down by incessant whinings, gripings, and the baggage of unfulfilled expectations and emotional burden that comes along is so much easier. When I look at myself, I see the times in my life where I have literally bent over backwards, sideways and twisted myself inside out to please anybody who has literally thrown a scrap of attention my way. It’s strange. My usual common sense and reasonableness deserts me if I get the slightest inkling from somebody that they like me? Why? I don’t like knowing that my emotional dependence on somebody can get to the point where they can manipulate me. That is what relationships do. I wonder if all women are that… can I use the word stupid? Affection? We sell ourselves for it. A word, a glance, a smile? Even the hope of it can push us to do so much… even that which we do not agree with but will put ourselves through to see a pair of eyes shine, for just that single moment when they look at us. I knew the words to be false, the gestures to be plastic, and feelings to be fake and I still allowed myself to fall. How strange is it that for all I know I can be, and for all I have it was the statement below that I could relate with:

“I am nothing special; of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts, and I’ve led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough.”

The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks




January 2008
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