Archive for December 23rd, 2007


Futility is…

  • knowing what you’re supposed to do, and still NOT do it!
  • knowing what you’re supposed to NOT do, and still do it!
  • realizing that in spite of all that has gone on before, you are still a work in progress!
  • realizing just how many life lessons remain unlearned even though the classes were the toughest you had ever attended!
  • going through the day pretending you have moved on, only to come to bed at night knowing you’re still where you started from!

I’m not in a very good place. I have to get this unwritten draft done today, otherwise I might as well accept that I have plunged thousands of rupees in fees into the incinerator for this semester and face the utter humiliation of having nothing to show my research supervisor either! And it feels as though my mind is frozen. I sit in front of this stupid computer and think I know all that I have to write. Of course I know what I have to write. I’ve spent the last three months gathering research papers, and literally going door to door, person to person to try and get interviews but I just CAN’T write!!!

I sit here with the kind of empty expression I sometimes see on the faces of students in examination halls. I’ve always thought, well hell, if you’ve studied, there should be no issue in writing it down, should there? Shit! Is this what is called getting my comeuppance?

The last month has short circuited all connections between my hands and my mind. I can’t focus!
Right now, I just don’t know how I’m going to get this done… I wonder if staying in my room, with the blanket pulled right over my head would help! But I tried that yesterday afternoon. Ended up sleeping and had a ‘daymare’ instead! Believe me, finding yourself standing on a bridge, looking down into a wide expanse of water shroud in darkness, and seeing yourself sink into it is not very comfortable!

Then again, maybe sitting online and watching this rather than working would do that to you!

December 2007