Archive for September 11th, 2007


I’m cleverer…

There are days when I just want what I’m feeling to appear in front of me in words as random and as rapid as they are inside. And yet, when the words come they seem strangely inadequate when compared to the tumult that storms within. In one way perhaps this ‘inadequacy’ is what lends coherence and recognition to what is really going on inside. Ultimately, it just may give us that perspective, whose loss causes us to flounder and scream in panic – that realization of losing control, of facing something that seems so much bigger than what we are, and of our own mortality birthing a sense of helplessness in our own lives.

Sometimes we need to reduce that larger than life manifestation of our nightmares to a statement completed in five words with no word extending beyond 2 consonants to deal with it on its own merit.

I was at an uber-formal dinner party today or was it last night, where the word is pronounced with a distinct flair that makes me somehow think of a pate served on a pathetic bed of fronds for an exorbitant amount at a restaurant whose name I would need an interpretor to even think about enunciating and whose menu would be posher than my fanciest sari. Has anybody else noticed how somehow saris have become the staple apparel for an appearance that is designed to project one as the epitome of an elegant, high-powered female who is completely in control of her life even when everybody can see the craggy edges where her world fell through on various occasions? Or maybe it is just me recalling watching another me sitting at that table, raising a toast to my impeccable persona.

I guess nobody else could see the mockery on my face as I watched at how polished my performance was. I was the epitome of a blasé, bored, cynical career woman who had moved on from such catastrophe. Nobody else saw the sharp edge of my own smile when I was likened to a phoenix rising from the ashes.  And for sure nobody knew how I was itching to mash my dinner companion’s face into the bowl of soup that he kept blowing on before drinking it.  Somebody apparently forgot to tell him that it was cucumber soup served cold.  And I did not enlighten him either…

Revenge is best served cold too or so I’ve heard.  My temper flares too hot and too quick for me to even contemplate a refrigerated version of what I dole out.  Not that it matters much when I get through.  I was wondering if it’s because the cold would allow the context of the revenge to be preserved and hence more rewarding for you whereas heat would turn it to dust just that bit more easily.

But coming back to why I was thinking of words, and expression and the par-tay.  I was walking away from the table with a friend of mine, this one definitely more tolerable, and reaching the entrance of the dining hall, just turned my head and waved good bye to the others back at the table over my shoulder and in turning back surprised this strange look on my friend’s face at my gesture.  His sheepish grin and just the overall affect of his face made me think of something I’d read in a book some time back…

” ‘…. You know, it’s not a man’s gesture, it’s a woman’s gesture.  By this gesture a woman invites us: come, follow me, and you don’t know where she is inviting you to go and she doesn’t know either, but she invites you in the conviction that it’s worth going where she is inviting you.  That’s why I tell you,  either woman will become man’s future or mankind will perish, because only woman is capable of nourishing within her an unsubstantiated hope and inviting us to a doubtful future, which we would have long ceased to believe in were it not for women.  All my life, I’ve been willing to follow their voice, even though that voice is mad, and whatever else I may be I am not a madman.  But nothing is more beautiful than when someone who isn’t mad goes into the unknown, led by a mad voice!’  And once again he solemnly repeated a German sentence: ‘Das Ewigweibliche zieht uns hinan!  The eternal feminine draws us on!’ “

From Immortality – Milan Kundera

How’s this for a perspective?  What say, suga, psyched and samar?

September 2007