View from a Jade Window

Finding You…

Jaded — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 17:59:58 +0000

Life seems to have been one quest or the other. Running between two mountains, my feet torn; my breath short and burning me inside. I spend an eternity running up one looking for you..

You? Love, friendship? Or just the feeling of knowing there is someone there who will be my world with a smile.

And then stumbling down the jagged surface with my hands raw and bleeding and tears in my heart, after finding myself pelted by the stones of my own expectations and the reality of other people, at least as imperfect as me.

And I flinch from the sight and turn to look at the other end. You? Maybe?

Untenable majesty, silent, strong and yet no easier to scale and so I stumble again, over paths strewn with thorns; or washed away by torrents of fast flowing water, leaning now and again against one surface or the other… I don’t think I ever realized how on this tougher, less traveled path, I found unexpected places to rest, to breathe; the gentlest of winds to soothe my fevered brow or gentle knolls of grass to cook my feet on.

But I’d find myself being called again to the other mountain and I’d run searching for arms to hold me at the end of weary travels… Except that I’d be more exhausted, drained further each time to get up and take another step and I’d more fall than walk back to the other mountain…

Looking for solace of the soul, an unworldly phenomenon in the frailty and fickleness of human nature and fallacy and then repenting and falling back to search for comfort in the one being who owns it all…

I’m realizing today that even for worldly comfort, I need to scale just that one mountain… The other will come to me…

And when I find Him, I will find You…

You know you have a problem…

Jaded — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 17:52:43 +0000

… when you have three days to write 2 research and feel no inclination whatsoever to do so…

This is what I get for enrolling in a PhD program..

For your sake, H

Jaded — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 17:50:20 +0000

Come…

Just once..

And stay.. Please.

I don’t need words anymore, nor the promise of all the things that could be at rainbows end

Just you, and a shared smile in the rain, while the roof leaks and the house floods and a hot cup of tea..

I have never needed you to be any more or any less than who you are…

The messed up H more than the in control one..

I’ve spent so long without you…

What’s another month or two or three… Just pray my breath be with me

Prayers and Love

Always H… ALWAYS.

So come back and stay

Your Choice and My Burden

Jaded — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 08:13:14 +0000

When you know that a way is going nowhere…

And you make the choice to walk away…

Leaving behind broken promises, harsh words and little lost boys…

Will you be held accountable if the boy stays lost?

Revealed…

Jaded — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 11:49:09 +0000

Have you ever stripped down to who you are? I mean, REALLY?

Peeled off each item of clothing, and the layers of protection as you stand before a mirror with the lights on and met your own eyes head on?

It is the one time that you will actually see who you are beyond what you see…

Undone..

Jaded — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 05:14:23 +0000

When so much remains undone, what is required is a singleness of purpose and determination to start getting it done…

Except that my heart is so not into it…

Which leads me to believe that staying undone is perhaps better than being half done, half way, halfheartedly…

Me!

Jaded — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 10:20:34 +0000

Control

Definitely ME! Courtesy PhD Comics

…

Jaded — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 05:36:57 +0000

There are days when just going through the motions of what I am supposed to be doing is just too hard

Insane Condition for Closure…

Jaded — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 06:57:40 +0000

I can’t forget… I hear the echo of his words; and the malice and cruelty in them still and that echo is louder than the sanity inside me…

COWARD!

He left me to live with this because he did not have the nerve to come say these things to my face… Or was it because I was so worthless in his regard…

And the worthlessness? Was it my own creation? I alone gave him the power to do this to me…

Sanity says I still am giving him and his words too much importance. He is still influencing me…

But my insanity wants the chance to see his fickle face once just to turn away from it…

October 24th 2011 – Power of 2

Jaded — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 19:51:42 +0000

2 Lies

When some one says sorry and I say it’s okay.
When I tell IQ that I don’t know what to do.

2 Truths

I may act weak and snivel about my lack of choice, but when it comes down to the line, I am strong enough to take a decision.
I don’t forgive and I don’t forget.

2 Dreams

A place of my own; somewhere a little corner that is just mine.
To write that one great epic; a masterpiece.

2 Failures

Not standing up for myself when I most needed to.
Feeling that I haven’t done enough.

2 Loves

Mama, Papa
Books