Blogword No. 44: Life

‘Virginia kept scrapbooks chronicling her children’s lives and accomplishments. In one of them is a faded and yellowed essay by one Angelo Patri, clipped from a newspaper, covered with her pen marks, underlinings, and circles compoignant hints of her hopes and fears:

“Queer little twists and quirks go into the making of an individual. To suppress them all and follow clock and calendar and creed until the individual is lost in the neutral gray of the host is to be less than true to our inheritance…. Life, that gorgeous quality of life, is not accomplished by following another man’s rules. It is true we have the same hungers and same thirsts, but they are for different things and in different ways and in different seasons…. Lay down your own day, follow it to its noon, your own noon, or you will sit in an outer hall listening to the chimes but never reaching high enough to strike your own.“‘

A Beautiful Mind – Sylvia Nasar

The Life of Mathematical Genius and Nobel Laureate John Nash

Blogword No. 43: Real

I stand before myself

Today I am on trial,

Before me and all my faces..

I am the accused and I am the jury

Before me are the faces of the ones who claim I am at fault

The voices are silent

But the emptiness screams aloud with their pleas

Not in words but in the deep red stains that color their shrouds

And in the darkness left in their wake

The pale faces and the anguished, empty eyes

Are eloquent in their telling of the tale

Of how man turned to beast

And the beast ripped through life

Tearing it apart, into pieces that could no longer be stitched to hold us together

Shattering all beliefs, all dreams, all hope…

Proving the mirage to be just that…

(Was it so wrong for me to rid you of the disillusionment?)

I think I showed you the truth of who you really are?

What you are worth?

Has the jury reached a verdict?

We have, Your Honor!

We find the defendant guilty of all charges!

I’m numb as I listen to the judgment sentencing me to death for my crimes.

It is nothing less than I expected…

For my crimes, perhaps death is a mercy for the life that I have lived is too hard to bear

I am almost grateful for this end for I will finally have release

No longer will I be tortured with those countless, nameless eyes that looked at me every moment of the day

The anguish within their souls, flaming within that vacant face

Their eyes burning with nightmares that they gave to me

In return for the death that I gave to them

I’m not a killer you understand, nor am I a thief

I am the silence that screamed within when innocence was lost

And blood was spilled

I am the cowardice that whimpered and shook

When anguish wailed and rent the air with its violence

I am the humanity that has closed its eyes

And I am the justice that died an age ago.

Yes, I deserve this death that’s coming to me…

But perhaps I deserve the life more

Because when it comes down to it,

My guilt, and my share in the responsibility for allowing death

To dance its macabre way up and down the streets of this land

Is far more than the hands that actually led it on its merry way…

You see, in this tale of purported shadows and dark maneuvering,

For all the people who run this show, it is done because I deem it so

I am the only one who’s real! I am the puppet master!

Blogword No. 42: Now

I’ve lived to bury my desires,
And see my dreams corrode with rust;
Now all that’s left are fruitless fires
That burn my empty heart to dust.

- Aleksandr Pushkin -

Blogword No. 40: Finally

I guess it’s official

I’ve finally snapped…

(After all, what else would you call it when your own insensibilities make more sense than the sane world around you… )

Blogword No. 41: Away

Wishing no longer works,

And I don’t dream anymore

But then, maybe I hadn’t believed when I did dream..

The smiles are false

The heartiness forced

My strength a show

And the courage smoke…

Everything I am or was is now overshadowed by all I’m not…

Or maybe my mind is finally seeing things as they are…

That sometimes destiny is something very different from what you thought.

Whatever it is,

All I know is that right now,

I can’t find whatever it was inside me, that made my troubles go away.