BlogThought No. 2: Because I Didn’t…

My friends and my parents think I’m too emotional;

Too passionately involved in all I do…
All too willing to fight for a cause, small or big!

I rant and I rave and cry tears of anger, of disappointment ;

Just as I dance a jig for joy!

They think I give too much of myself…

I don’t know how to explain to them!

That it makes me real and makes me human…

It teaches me life!

…Because every time I chose to stand by my decision;
Or voice an opinion on something that’s hard to bear…
Something that was too emotionally wrenching…

I grew in my strength and in my faith…
I became stronger and more content with my conscience…

Because I didn’t close my eyes and walk away when it seemed to get too much!

Life in Boxes

Der tak baith kar sochein khud ko
Aaj phir ghar mein biyaabaani karein
—
Apne kamre mein sajaayen aafaaq
Jalsa-e-bay-sar-o-samaani karein

- Abdul Ahad Saaz –

Moving Day! I’ve seen so many of them during the last 10 to 12 years that it seems almost automatic now. Compartmentalizing parts of my life into cartons and labeling them almost like the cubby holes used for sorting mail in old fashioned post offices. Only difference is instead of the wizened old man, whipping letters and parcels here and there, it is I, sitting there surrounded by lost and founds that are recent history and trying to decide what I’ll leave behind here and what I shall take with me.

I am a little more organized this time although am not sure whether it will pay off. I spent last night and some part of the day before packing up my books and assorted menagerie of candles, Winnie-the-Pooh mugs, and DVDs. Since I have an issue with packers touching my stuff, most contents of my cupboard have been transferred into suitcases ready to be lifted and hopefully placed in my new room and not in the deepest, darkest corner of the store room. I would like to be optimistic and say that my days shall not be spent trying to find all my worldly possessions but unfortunately, history begs to differ.

Moving has its own charm I guess. It has come to symbolize so much of what life is; the moving on, the discarding of the old and acceptance of the new. If nothing else it has taught me how semi-permanent every state in itself actually is. Transition! I had a bonfire last night. I found pieces of myself that I thought I had locked away or discarded so long ago. They were pieces that were a reminder of how regardless of the leaps and bounds you think you take away from the bad times in your life, you never really escape the long shadow that its memory leaves with you. It can take a silly scrap of paper to take to you back to it, although I suppose the intensity of the feeling will change as will the way you react to it. It was surprising how many pictures I could see even as they turned to ashes and smoke. The flickering, glowing embers gleaming a bright orange deep within the heart of black and grey soot served to remind me how deep at the core of it, all those things that we move away from actually stay there in some form or the other. Throwing water on it to drown out the last of those glowing, reproachful eyes in a hiss of smoke was so self-satisfying, almost like a ‘So there!’ kind of moment.

For me, coming across half-forgotten scraps and a photograph brought a pang of regret at the loss of who I had been. No matter what happens, or how far I move away, I know I will never take human relationships or the feelings behind them at face value but on a good side, I know I will also not take these associations for granted. The abject mortality of it all at least is real to me now.

More than my stuff, it is my brother’s belongings that are causing me some trepidation. Have I mentioned my bro is out of town? South Africa, for a course and the genius has been kind of enough to taunt me by the prospective visit to Sun City this weekend while I shall be knee deep in the misplaced organization that the movers will have left at home. Nonetheless, my brother, the nit picking, finicky little brat’s lab/room is a nightmare to move. So many little things, and notes and references and electronics scattered all over the place. God forbid if anything should be moved from its point of reference. What is making it a little worse is that I have a full day today, and will be out of the house by 8 and won’t be back by around 5:30 by which everything will have been boxed up leaving me the prospect of treasure hunting for the next so many days. Needless to say, my dear brother in his ever-present form of older sister is there to take care of things will expect his exacting standards to be met as far as the new alignment and arrangement of his things is concerned. This basically means, that excepting the location of the room which cannot be helped, make sure that bhai’s room is in the same state of labeled and cross-referenced logic that it is in now. Maybe I should make a map of how things look now so I can remember…

Fingers crossed!